Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
