I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
