I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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