I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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