just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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