i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
