How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
