is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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