my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
