i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
