do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
