Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
