I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
