my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
