Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
