my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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