I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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