Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
