hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
