best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
