the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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