Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
