Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
