Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Randomize
