I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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