One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
