I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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