Jerry, you need to find god
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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