Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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