My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
