Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
