Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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