Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
