you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize