Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
