The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
