I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
