i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
