just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
