Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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