cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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