why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
