Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
