saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
