My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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