The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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