and you said cock pushups were impossible
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
well you can't waste a boner
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize