I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
His nipple licking is glorious
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