guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
