uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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