I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
