matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
