I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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