Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
