I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Drake has all the answers
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
