I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
