my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm bleeding and have questions
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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