Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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