I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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