I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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