You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
